I Need To Live My Life To The Fullest
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I haven’t been living my life to the fullest. I honestly don’t know of a time that I ever did. You see, growing up I had very controlling parents. Every aspect of my life was controlled. My career, my thoughts, how I dressed and even my hair. Even though I’m not a child anymore, being controlled like that still affects me to this day.
I left home to go to college in Miami and it was the first time that I broke free. You would think that being away from home would give me absolute freedom but unfortunately it didn’t.
Doing normal things like going to the mall with my college friends gave me so much anxiety. When I first got to college my mom told me that she didn’t want me to leave the campus. At that time I was such a rule follower so whatever she told me to do I did. So I felt like I was doing something wrong when I was going to the mall. I couldn’t tell my mom that I was going to the mall or I would get so many calls wondering where I was.
My family would track my phone and look at my bank statements to see where I was going. It made me not want to do anything. The stress of her constantly checking in on me got so bad. My anxiety was through the roof. After a while I would stop going places and buying things. The only thing I would buy was food and eventually my mom complained about me spending too much on food.
It wasn’t the way to live. Unfortunately I got diagnosed with Graves’ disease and had to go back home. I thought that all the things she did when I was in Miami would stop. Boy, was I wrong. My mom would still check my bank statements to see what I was buying. One day she asked me why I took $200 out of my account. That’s when I knew it was time to cancel my account with her. I remember how upset she was but removing her gave me some peace.
I eventually got a car and that gave me the confidence to try to leave again. I specifically wanted a SUV so that I was able to pack all of my stuff in one car if I had to leave and that’s what I did. I got my AA degree and transferred to a different school in Miami. This is when I felt the most freedom. The funny thing was that during this time I was the brokest I’ve ever been. Even though I was struggling I was so happy to get away from home.
Then the worst thing I would have never thought of happened. The pandemic hit and I had to go back home. I was devastated that I was back in the place that has so much trauma. This time was different, everyone had to stay home so I wasn’t missing out on life. Being isolated from everyone was what I was used to.
As everything started going back to “normal” and as it was approaching I started envisioning my perfect life again. Just being at peace, meeting new people and going to new places. But, I didn’t realize how much I had regressed or how much anxiety I had about doing normal things.
It wasn’t until I spent two weekends in a row in Miami to celebrate the life of my friend Kyra. She passed away a year ago and I was spending time with her family and other friends. I was at peace again. All of my anxiety went away and I was amazed at how good it felt. That’s how life should feel. I was surrounded by people who truly cared about me.
Once I got back home my anxiety went up again. I wanted to crawl back into my room and stay there forever because it’s my only safe space in the house. But I can’t live like this. This isn’t the life I want. I’ve been trying to move out for a while but my plans keep falling through which makes things worse. But I’m not giving up anytime soon.
Even though I haven’t been able to get a place I need to start living my life to the fullest now. There are so many things that I want to do that I’ve been holding myself back on. It really is up to me to start making the changes that I want to see happen. I need to work through my trauma.
There’s a quote that I always think about “You can’t get better in the environment that you got sick in” and it resonates with me very well. It’s definitely why I regressed but it’s motivation for me to leave again. I want to do the little steps it takes to live my life now so when I’m finally out there I can be my true authentic self.
I haven’t opened up like this in a while and I hope that someone can relate to this. If you do leave your story in the comments below.